tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75447829476703670972024-03-19T22:38:47.606-07:00Rob's RantsRobert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-73520103009454861822014-11-16T07:01:00.000-08:002014-11-16T07:01:00.147-08:00Break teh internetz...I realise of course that I shouldn't let it get to me. There's no logical reason for me to become agitated, irritated or to vent my spleen in such an undignified manner. And if I genuinely thought more than a few (probably right thinking) adults would read this, then I wouldn't write it for fear of adding to the unexplainable level of attention that one mostly useless individual seems to get just by existing.<br />
So, yes, against all instincts, this rant is indeed about Kim Kardashian's massive arse.<br />
Well, not so much about her massive arse really, since I'm not that 'arsed' about that one way or another. As you know, I am definitely an ass man, but like boobs, you definitely can have too much of a good thing.<br />
It's kind of ironic that for years (some) women have been paranoid about the size of their arse (one of Mistress R's friends wears a long coat to bed, such is her level of paranoia... completely without basis) and now apparently KK is being criticised for promoting an unobtainable body image! First your fat arse was too fat, and now your fat arse is not fat enough. Or is it not PHAT enough?<br />
Well I guess it's not Kim's fault she's got a fat arse. Just cos she's made the best of it and turned it in to a gold-mine... (no pun intended!!!!)<br />
Anyway, anyone with a brain in their head can see that<i> that </i>image is photo-shopped. Her butt may be untouched, but there's no way her waist is that skinny in proportion. Just fuck right off. So yeah, she may be promoting an unobtainable body image, but the real ire should be reserved for anyone who can't see that picture for what it is.<br />
Besides, why does anybody care about this woman?<br />
I've seen her TV show, I'm not averse to a bit of trashy telly, but it was so fucking tedious. And don't get me started on the prick with the cane, jesus...<br />
The truth is I can't even bring myself to rant properly because she's just so fucking dull. Whatever I or others may think of other celebrities like Britney Spears, at least she has some kind of talent (or had at one point), at least they entertain some people. KK is just an American 'Jordan' at the end of the day. But with a phatter arse.<br />
<br />Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-49170975215416513422014-08-05T03:49:00.001-07:002014-08-05T03:49:01.350-07:00Fucking Facebook...Apparently Facebook went down last week for half an hour, which led to some absolute morons ringing 911 and to some Los Angeles police dept to post a message on Twitter telling people not to ring them because it was nothing to do with them.<br />
Yes, loss of internet is frustrating, but it really isn't the end of the world, get a fucking grip. It might be an idea for some of these pricks to be prosecuted for wasting police time and held up as an example to other idiots.<br />
Amazon are trying to lure me onto Facebook with promises of vouchers, but they can fuck right off. What I really don't like about all this is that they want to link everything up, often without asking, potentially exposing parts of your life you'd rather keep private. I know this was the reason why Harry moved his blog away from Google, because he didn't want his daughter to find his blog through a connection to his email address.<br />
I can well imagine me having to do the same at some point, as much as I really don't want to.<br />
Technology's great but it can really get you in trouble. I remember having something on a memory stick which I needed to transfer onto my bosses laptop... But his laptop was set up to transfer everything from any memory stick to the desktop without asking, which caused me some rather frantic moments of panic as I tried to stop all manner of NSFW material being transferred!<br />
It pisses me off the number of sites that want you to log in with your Facebook account to be able to post comments as well. At least Google don't ask you to do that on my blog...yet.<br />
I can see that eventually we will all end up desperately trying to keep our private lives private, and failing probably. Which is a shame really. While I suppose anonymity isn't always a positive thing on the internet, I'd rather my mother didn't get to read about me getting fucked in the ass by Mistress R.<br />
So yeah, anyway...fuck Facebook.<br />
<br />Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-66361619485398528552014-04-18T00:15:00.000-07:002014-04-18T00:15:03.852-07:00Band names...What the fuck is wrong with the kids these days? I'm not making this up right, I just saw a poster for a gig by a band called.... wait for it... 'iLikeTrains'. Seriously. That's the best they could come up with? I guess on the positive side pushing it all into one word like that might make it Google friendly (very important these days of course... nobody with a brain would call their band anything normal these days, it took me three months to find the website for a band called 'Pain'!), and maybe starting their name with a small 'i' is a sarcastic comment on the world's obsession with prefixing everything with 'i' ever since the invention and global veneration of the iPod. Or maybe not.<br />
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Anyway, curiosity got the better of me so I hereby present to you 'iLikeTrains'. Although it seems that perhaps the pushing it together thing was only on the poster I saw. Unless there's another band with the same name.<br />
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Which is not nearly as funny as this one...</div>
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<br />Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-48534010265591043672014-04-16T13:51:00.002-07:002014-04-16T13:51:34.058-07:00The twelve year old mother...In the papers today there is a story about a twelve year old girl who has given birth, she is the youngest mother in the UK ever apparently. But what caught my eye was the story of the previous youngest mother. Apparently she was thirteen when she gave birth, and her boyfriend (Alfie) was also thirteen. Thing is, it turned out that Alfie wasn't the dad, and he was described as 'distressed' by the results of a DNA test which showed the culprit to be another lad two years his senior.<br />
Now I don't know about you, but it's one thing to learn that at the ripe old age of thirteen you are going to be a father. But it's quite another to discover that your girlfriend is a slut! He should have been jumping for joy, not distressed. Off the hook mate, that's what that is. Off the fucking hook!!!Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-52083195915873702732014-03-26T13:33:00.002-07:002014-03-26T13:33:32.828-07:00Radio Rant...Today I have been subjected to a full day of BBC Radio 2. Supposedly people of my generation are the target audience, because frankly listening to Radio 1 is a bit like watching The Kardashians, soul destroying!<br />
I had already developed a subtle loathing for Radio 2 due to it's insistence on overplaying songs such as 'Only Human' by somebody Perry (not Katy Perry)... the first time you hear it you think, oh that's not<i> too </i>bad (you know, compared all the other shit they play), the 'little girl' voice is a bit annoying, but then you realise the whole construct of the song is merely to facilitate the 'loud' chorus and it quickly starts to grate like knuckles on a cheese grater.<br />
I don't mind Ken Bruce so much, he's a modern day Terry Wogan and bumbles along, but Steve Wright is just plain irritating. He really isn't nearly as funny as he thinks he is and his pointless interjections into everything and his 'hilarious' singing on the end of every song is frankly painful. Still, incredible as it sounds, the other week I was positively missing him as some clown decided to enlist arch idiot Patrick Keilty to cover for Steve's holiday.<br />
Jesus Christ, you cannot imagine the torment this man caused during his short tenure. His main shtick seems to be 'I'm shit, I know it and you know it, and if I make enough jokes about how shit I actually am, then maybe I can get away with this'. Oh that, and of course 'I'm Irish'. 'I drink Guinness because I'm Irish'. 'Did I mention that I'm Irish, did I'. 'So I did, but I am you know, proper Irish I am'. And so on and so forth...<br />
I imagine all of Patrick's friends call him 'Paddy' when they are in the pub drinking, but really it would be a whole lot more constructive and appropriate to call him 'That wanker off the radio' like everyone else does.<br />
Not all of my ire is a direct fault of the British Broadcasting Corporation, for example today I was momentarily cheered by the first few notes of Meat Loaf's seminal classic 'Bat Out of Hell', only to realise in very short order that they were playing some sort of bullshit edited version which missed out the whole intro and probably several other parts too. It's not overstating the case to say that I was incensed! I realise of course that the BBC themselves are not responsible for the existence of an edited version of the sing, it could well be that it was the 'single' version as released by the record label at the time. But even if it was, that is no reason to chose to play that abomination when the album version is freely and readily available. Could it be that there are people out there who think that's how 'Bat Out of Hell' should actually sound? Oh. My. God. No! It's like framing the Mona Lisa so that the top of her head is off the top of the frame, you just wouldn't, would you?<br />
And another thing, what is it with the fucking clown drum all of a sudden? Fucking Mumford and Sons have introduced a new sound which we shall for the purposes of classification which makes sense to no one but myself call 'Punk Wurzels', although it sounds nothing like as interesting as that description probably suggests... and now their comedy drum sound (now to be known as 'Clown Drums') is appearing in other bands songs. Radio 2 played a Boyzone song today with it in, fucking Boyzone! Jump on that Punk Wurzels bandwagon boys, and why don't you throw in a snatch of Dubstep while you're at it? Go on, I dare you.<br />
But Patrick Keilty, thank fuck he was only a temporary measure!Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-5227835816279226002014-03-22T13:38:00.001-07:002014-03-22T13:38:33.443-07:00Like shooting fish in a barrel...The Kardashians... or more precisely, Kim Kardashian, or more precisily still, the press's obsession with her arse. Well, yes, it's big. Unfeasibly big. When you see her side on it actually looks like it's lagging behind her... which is neither normal or particularly attractive. I mean I would consider myself an ass man for sure, but that is too much ass! I was in a supermarket this morning and there was a magazine by the tills which had a photo of Kim on the front with the line 'How Kim got her NEW Bum!'.<br />
Usually when you see that kind of headline, it's usually accompanying a photo of a previously 'overweight' (couple of pounds probably...) celebrity showing off their tight little ass. This picture basically looks like Kim has had a photo of her ass taken in a hall of mirrors, I mean it's fucking hilarious. And the fact that it says her 'new' bum... kinda gives the game away that it's not 100% natural, doesn't it?<br />
So what is the secret of her comedy butt? I'm not sufficiently interested to buy the magazine to find out, but I'm guessing somewhere along the line it involves blowing up a couple of balloons and inserting them into her trousers. What else could it be? I mean if she's actually injected something into her ass to make it that big, then... how will she ever be able to lie on her back again?<br />
To be honest, I'm not a fan of the Kardashians, I don't honestly think she's all that stunningly beautiful... she wears far too much make up for a start. I have seen a couple of episodes of their show (how embarrassing) and it's possibly the lamest, dullest, most boring twenty two minutes I've ever spent. The only saving grace was the douchebag boyfriend with the cane who was such a monumental prick it was mildly amusing to watch him make an absolute arse of himself as he hunted for his 'cane'... Oh my life, make it stop.<br />
Apparently, and I'm sure this will be useful information for all those who haven't read a paper today, Mr Kanye West was hoping to have his bestest bud 'Jay-Z' as his best man at his forthcoming wedding to Kim, only problem is... Jaz-Z's missus 'Beyonce' don't want nothing to do with it because she doesn't want to appear on a trashy TV show. Which means she has automatically gone up in my estimation... I wouldn't want to appear on that trashy TV show either, especially if I had an actual talent (unlike Kim for example) and didn't need the exposure.<br />
Anyway, I think I see the end in sight... surely the wedding is the natural end of the show. But wait, she's already got married once.... well, faked it more like, but her dumb fucking fans still buy into it. And wait, actually that's not her house in the TV show, well never mind... at this point nothing would really surprise me, not even pulling a couple of balloons out of her trousers.<br />
<br />Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-33897468104655333762014-03-22T04:30:00.001-07:002014-03-22T04:30:27.431-07:00More on alarm clocks...As you may remember (if you've got a really astonishingly good memory for banal shit) I posted about alarm clocks about a year ago, and I'm pleased to report that I finally found a replacement for my alarm clock on eBay. In the meantime I bought another alarm clock which was visible in daylight but also had a light for the nighttime (which, you will of course remember I really don't need because I have the time projected on the ceiling by the old alarm clock....). The thing that pissed me off about this one is that every button you press on this piece of crap makes a beep. Why the fuck would anybody want that? <div>
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I want to turn the alarm off before it goes off so that I don't wake my wife - BEEP!</div>
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I want to see the time in the dark in the middle of the night - BEEP!</div>
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I need to turn the alarm on late at night and my wife is already asleep - BEEP!</div>
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I need to change the alarm time late at night and my wife is already asleep - A beep for every fucking minute!!!</div>
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Thankfully, as I said, I've now found a replacement for my original one so this thing was consigned to the great alarm clock cloud in the sky, but for several months it really pissed me off!</div>
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Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-36946771795422496612013-05-05T07:13:00.004-07:002013-05-05T07:13:51.912-07:00The Fighting Temeraire...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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On my trip to London yesterday I saw this painting in the National Gallery and was frankly astonished to read that it had been voted the best painting in England. Frankly it wasn't even the best painting in that room as far as I was concerned and this Holbein was in the same gallery and is so much better.</div>
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I guess this isn't really a rant so much as just a declaration of incredulity at how plain wrong so many people can be!!!</div>
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<br />Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-84216524070682186102013-03-17T02:11:00.000-07:002013-03-17T02:11:05.133-07:00Alarm clocks (why is everything so shit part 973).After the saga of the kettle, now it's alarm clocks that are pissing me off.<br />
We've had a projecting alarm clock for about ten years now, which means the time is always visible on the ceiling all through the night. It's brilliant, but the lead broke yesterday and the projection only works when it's connected to the mains. So the obvious thing is to go buy a new one.<br />
Except that's not as easy as it sounds and the ones we could find looked a bit shit.<br />
So I managed to modify the clock to accept a generic lead but for reasons that are too boring to go into I needed to get a new simple, cheap alarm clock to use just for the alarm, leaving that clock to do just the projecting.<br />
So the first one I bought was a really simple, dirt cheap clock with a simple on/off button on the top. Perfect. Except that it ticks really fucking loudly. Who the fuck wants a ticking bedside clock?<br />
So I took that back and got a digital one, smart move I thought.<br />
Wrong.<br />
This one comes with a blue label over the display showing black letters on a blue background. Slightly strange but okay.... what this actually indicates is that when you press the snooze button the blue light comes on and you can see the time. Except you don't need to because when it's dark the the numbers are really bright, in a kind of phosphorescent way.... and in our particular case I don't need to see the numbers at night cos my other clock is projecting the time on the ceiling.<br />
What I actually need, is a clock I can read when it's light and I'm gauging how many more minutes I can stay in bed before I really have to get up (cos when it's light you can't see the numbers on the ceiling).<br />
The thing is, when it's light the display looks black and that's when you have to press the button to light up the display. I mean what the fuck is the point of that exactly? Who wants a fucking clock you need to light up in the day to see? I really do wonder who signed this piece of shit off, I really do.<br />
<br />Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-410236893959095152013-03-03T04:03:00.001-08:002013-03-03T04:03:29.081-08:00Card-meggedon...It's Mother's Day next Sunday and I've just been to buy a card. So far, so good... I don't have a problem with that, my mum is okay, we're not super best buddies or anything but I don't have a problem with her or anything. What I do have a problem with is the fucking cards on display in the shop.<br />
Firstly, I don't want a card with 'To Mummy' on it, nor one that's clearly supposed to come from a pain in the arse teenager. I also don't want one that eulogises endlessly about how wonderful my mother is, cos, like I said, she's okay, we get on and we have the same sense of humour but really, I'm a grown man, and I've been a pretty much perfect child. So I really don't have an awful lot to be grateful for, over and above the normal stuff. You know, giving birth, feeding me, clothing me, putting a roof over my head etc etc....<br />
What I mean is, I haven't been any kind of drain on them for a good twenty years, I never trashed my mum's car, or got into massive debts and needed bailing out, etc etc....<br />
Anyway, I'm getting off topic here. The point is the shops can only stock a finite number of cards and as I said, excluding the nauseating, eulogising cards and the ones that are clearly meant for people still living at home, that usually leaves me with a choice of one or two at best.<br />
This unacceptable situation is only made worse by the ridiculous number of bullshit cards doing the rounds. I'm sure you've noticed this when you go to buy a birthday card, and indeed, I may have mentioned this before on this blog. Bullshit cards are cards that are so fucking specific as to be ridiculous. Time was if you had some kind of unorthodox relationship you got a non-specific card and you wrote in it. Then they developed the 'from both of us' card to help you out, so that divorced people in new relationships could send cards without offending anybody.<br />
Over the years more and more bullshit cards have appeared, Happy Birthday from the dog / cat / rabbit / iguana / pterodactyl.... you get the picture. So today I wasn't particularly surprised to see Mother's Day cards for Nan and Grannie, even though it's rather missing the point. It's Mother's Day, so you send your mother a card and she sends her mother a card and (if her mother is still alive) she sends her mother a card. It's not down to you to send your mother's mother a card, or your mother's mother's mother a card. It's fucking Mothers Day, not Nannies Day or Grannies Day for fucks sake.<br />
But today, I saw a card which pushed me to the brink of sanity, a card so fucking ridiculous that I almost grabbed it right off the shelf, ripped it into tiny pieces and pissed on it, right there in the store. Happy Mother's Day to the Mother to Be!<br />
The fucking Mother to Be!<br />
What the fuck is that?<br />
Plenty of time for this shit when she's a mother, not before. And when pray, is it acceptable to send this fucking card? When the baby's due at any time? When the baby's kicking? When the baby's first diagnosed (yes, diagnosed... it's a disease that will make you tired, poor, irritable, uncomfortable, and could even kill you). Perhaps when you're just trying for a baby? God this makes me angry. Perhaps it would be a good card to send a woman you're hoping to get lucky with, kind of a statement of intent?<br />
No this card is bullshit of the worst kind, and how are you going to sign it? From the foetus?<br />
And what if the baby miscarries? Is this bullshit card going to be clung to like some bullshit message from beyond the grave?<br />
No, I think it would be best all round if these cards were boycotted altogether, because somewhere some poor bastard is going to get it in the neck come next Sunday because his wife has a tiny bump and her didn't get her a fucking stupid 'Mum-to-be' card. The poor schmuck didn't realise he had to start that until the baby was actually born, the ill advised buffoon.Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-31112633702837635982013-02-03T04:30:00.000-08:002013-02-03T04:30:03.599-08:00Nestle, just leave it alone!Once upon a time there was a Kit Kit, it wasn't anyone's favourite biscuit, but it was better than a Penguin, a Breakaway or (God help us) a Viscount (minty but kind of soft as if it was out of date). Back in the day Kit Kat came in two styles, four finger and two finger (though why anyone would buy a two finger Kit Kat is beyond me).<br />
In relatively recent years, probably since good old Rowntree was bought out by the evil Nestle corporation, Kit Kat as expanded as a brand, with mixed results. On the one hand, a positive development was the invention of the Chunky Kit Kat, which was in every way superior to the original, while still being only moderately exciting.<br />
Spurred on by the success of this bigger, chunkier biscuit, Nestle started fucking around, there was a white chocolate version (one which periodically reappears and disappears, it's rank) an orange version (very short lived but rather tasty, resurrected in the two finger format with very limited success) and of course the almost inedible King Size. King Size anything is good, but the King Size Kit Kat was just too big, even for a chocoholics like me.<br />
In even more recent years we had the Caramel Kit Kat. Finally here was a Kit Kat we could believe in, the caramel lifted the product to heights no Kit Kat had ever dreamed of, never mind attained. And it's not hard to see why, caramel is the X-factor which lifts all chocolate to a higher level and makes it desirable.<br />
Except Twix of course, Twix is shit. How anyone can combine biscuit, caramel and chocolate and come up with something as tedious as Twix is beyond me.<br />
Anyway, so far so good. We have the Chunky Kit Kat for emergencies, the old two/four finger style Kit Kat for the old school Kit Kat eaters and the Caramel for the cognoscenti. Then they started making special editions with nuts in, trying to manufacture a Kit Kat/Snicker hybrid (why anyone thought was a good idea I don't know...) and then came the big competition. Four new flavours were produced, but there could be only one winner.<br />
The winner was peanut butter, which I thought might be nice until I tried it. But what really sucked was that the peanut butter REPLACED the Caramel Kit Kat. What madness was this?<br />
I mean fuck you Nestle, fuck you in your stupid ass.<br />
Now there's a new breed of Kit Kat's, including Fudge, Mint and some others, all of which won't be as good as the Caramel one. I suppose the fudge one might be okay, but then if it is the bastards will only discontinue it. It's like all those poor saps who sat through the first two series of Lost on terrestrial TV only for it to be transferred to Sky. So I say fuck you Nestle, I won't even try another Kit Kat until you bring back the caramel one.Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-416419694318604312012-12-24T04:11:00.001-08:002012-12-24T04:11:07.662-08:00TV in the Festive Season...Who knew there were that many Christmas films! Channel 5 is showing at least three a day, five some days, one after another! Still I guess it gives Steven Seagal a couple of weeks off. Elsewhere, on Freeview, we have the usual shit. Six hours of back to back episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter...<br />
But we've been through that before.<br />
What annoys me, is that in general, no matter how good a TV show is, the Christmas Special is always a bit shit. And yet, year after year after year we are served up those very Christmas Specials as a reminder of how good those old shows used to be. Do you see the problem here?<br />
And why is it that the 1970s is the 'Christmas' decade?<br />
Furthermore, channels like 4 Music are sinking under the weight of three hour special-a-thons where a celebrity chooses their fave Christmas choons. I swear to God that Carol (Rear of the year) Vorderman was doing one yesterday... presumably on the strength of the fact that her name is Carol (geddit!). Fucks sake.<br />
It's not like there's a bottomless pit of Christmas songs to choose from is it? You can guarantee to hear Mistletoe and Wine and Slade at least every 90 minutes.<br />
I wouldn't mind but since I've got a cold I wouldn't mind watching TV this Christmas, but fuck that. yesterday I watched the entire third series of Black Books instead.Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-72221087651584427072012-11-04T01:56:00.000-07:002012-11-04T01:57:58.271-08:00It's only a fucking kettle...Our kettle is disintegrating, rapidly. Part of the handle fell off yesterday. Well I say it fell off, I actually broke it off in the process of trying to see if it was mendable. It wasn't. Well, perhaps it was, but it was fucked in other ways too. Trouble is, we've bought 4 kettles in the last week and they've all been shit!<br />
Kettle number one, a silver Breville from Argos. I don't know how but the plastic was moulded in such a way that it looked like it had cracks all over it, it didn't it just looked like it was cracked. I don't know if it worked or not because I never tried to use it. When I took it back the woman in Argos got another three kettles out and they were all the same. Shoddy quality control from Breville, frankly if you let them go out looking like that what else could be wrong with them?<br />
Next, a funky looking white and grey Philips kettle which worked fine (albeit a little bit wobbly on it's base) but made the water taste of plastic. I boiled it and boiled it and boiled it, I even tried descaling it, but no, the water still tasted of plastic. So I took that one back too.<br />
Next a black own brand kettle from Sainsbury's, which upon opening I realised was the exact same one that we have at work. The one at work only lasted a few days before the lid stopped opening, and guess what, the lid on this one wouldn't even open straight out of the box. For fucks sake, this was getting beyond a joke.<br />
So now we have a Russell Hobbs brushed silver one, which seems to be okay.... it's a fucking miracle!<br />
In this day and age should it really be necessary to buy four kettles to get one that actually works and doesn't make the water taste disgusting, I mean a kettle is a pretty simple concept. It's a jug that heats water, that's all it has to do to function, and yet it seems so difficult to achieve.<br />
Still I guess at least we should be grateful that there's no iKettle yet, a device which boils water, while simultaneously allowing you to update your status on CuntBook to 'boiling water on my iKettle'. Still it's probably only a matter of time. Apple seem intent on centring people's whole lives around their bloody phones (or personal devices as they will inevitably become known) so an attachment for boiling water seems a fairly rudimentary step.<br />
Was anyone else surprised that an app for accessing your bank account failed spectacularly at launch? Some things shouldn't be too simple, especially accessing your fucking bank account, don't these people realise that there are bad people out there who will misuse new technology, I sometimes wonder...Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-13678602357978905132012-09-30T08:08:00.003-07:002012-09-30T08:08:40.650-07:00Some choice...Ah, multichannel TV, what a wonderful thing.... well, sometimes, yes it is. But this afternoon I was looking to watch something for a few minutes while I gathered the energy to go clean the bathroom and what a sorry pile of shit I found. Well, that's to be expected after all it is freeview!<br />
Okay, but that's really not what annoys me, it's the laziness of the scheduling. What do we have on Pick TV today? Ten one hour episodes of 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' back to back. Okay so what about Viva? Ten episodes of 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' back to back. What about Dave? Ten episodes of 'Red Dwarf' back to back.<br />
It's not that I have anything particular against any of these shows, but even if they were my favourite shows I wouldn't want to watch it all fucking day, and in the case of 'Prince of Bel-Air' they've been showing this thing for months now, how many episodes are there for fucks sake? Not enough to warrant the amount of rotation they're getting that's for sure.<br />
And another thing, when REALLY launched it showed promise, giving us two series of the excellent Tool Academy US and Tough Love, but now... it's wall to wall Medical Emergency over and over and over and over and over... interspersed with Emergency Room and some other medical shit. Who watches that stuff anyway?<br />
<br />Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-54428903652520263162012-09-30T00:56:00.002-07:002012-09-30T00:57:33.406-07:00Noisy pub wankers...There's a pub near here that we really like, it's a ten minute drive but since I don't drink anyway that's not an issue for us. However, recently there's been a problem. This woman has started going there and sitting near our favourite table (<i>the bitch!</i>). Trouble is she seems to be in constant hysterics and she laughs at 150db. And it's really fucking annoying.<br />
Last week we sat around the corner in a little room off the main pub, but it's a bit cold in there and you feel a bit out of the buzz (and one of the lights is a bit dodgy and keeps turning itself on and off), besides you could still hear her yacking away like a fucking.... like a fucking.... well I don't know what really.<br />
How satisfying would it be to just slap her round the face and tell her to shut the fuck up? Oh that would be my idea of paradise, a world where people who are that fucking annoying could just be 'dealt with'. I'm not talking permanent injury or death (though shooting her in the face would be fun...) just you know, a short sharp shock to make them realise what cunts they are. One can dream..Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-26544339047544310192012-09-15T12:56:00.003-07:002012-09-15T12:56:43.006-07:00I helsike du ikeaIn their infinite fucking wisdom, furniture giant Ikea have decided to drop all the Swedish food from their Swedish shop and replace it with sub standard (and non-Swedish in some cases) crap instead, under their own label. Truth be told this doesn't bother me for the most part, since a) I hardly ever go to Ikea, and b) most everything in the shop was disgusting anyway.<br />
But... and it is a significant but, the one thing that made a trip to Ikea worthwhile was the chance to purchase the awesome and otherwise very difficult to get hold of Maribou range of chocolate. So when I rocked up at my local store and found that the Maribou range had been replaced I was not best pleased at all. Instead I found some very uninteresting looking bars of 'Ikea' chocolate which the staff insisted tasted 'just the same' as the Maribou stuff.<br />
Now call me a sceptical old bastard, but this own brand shit was half the price of the Maribou range, moreover the packaging was massively shit, and common sense tells me that quality chocolate does not come in shit looking packaging. Think Lindt, think Hotel Chocolat.... and then look at this.<br />
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I bet your mouth is watering already huh. I mean who the fuck thought that was good packaging? Supermarkets have better packaging than that on their own brands... still I would be kicking myself if I didn't try it wouldn't I? If it turned out to really taste 'just like the Maribou stuff'.</div>
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Well I did, and guess what.... it tastes fuck all like the Maribou stuff, absolutely fuck all. The staff are lying bastards who should all die in hell for their complete bullshittery, though I suspect they may have been instructed to lie by their evil corporate-cocksucking paymasters.</div>
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It tastes fucking horrible as a matter of fact, it's bitter and I only ate a couple of squares (believe me, chocolate has to suck for me to spurn it!), it tastes exactly what it is, cheap rubbish.</div>
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So disappointing, not least because Maribou seems only to be available through the internet at a vastly inflated price. Well thanks Ikea, thank you for jack shit. </div>
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Not only that, but Mistress R bought some of the 'Ikea' replacement brand chocolate marshmallow thingys and she ate one and chucked the rest in the bin. Well I can only hope that people all over the country are doing exactly the same and soon Ikea, you profit-mongering fuckwads, will realise the error of your ways! </div>
<br />Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-9303281073448608072012-08-04T14:40:00.001-07:002012-08-04T14:40:31.400-07:00BBQ Wankers...Every year it's the same, the first hint of sunshine and people feel compelled to burn their food in the garden. Why? I just don't get it. And worse still, if you tell people you don't get it, they look at you like you're fucking mental.<br />
"You don't like barbecues?"<br />
No I fucking don't.<br />
It's simple really, I don't like being in the sun and being in the sun kind of goes hand in hand with burning sausages in your back garden.<br />
But everyone likes the sun, surely?<br />
No, they don't.<br />
It's not that I'm worried I'll contract melanoma if I stand in the sun eating a charcoal flavoured sausage, though that isn't a bad reason to stay out of it. I just don't like the sun, it makes me feel a bit sick if I'm out in it for too long.<br />
It's fucking antisocial as well, not only does it stink, and mean that when you really want your windows open you have to shut them because the arsehole next door is burning his dinner and the smoke always blows this fucking way, but of course for some reason cooking outside means you have to invite all your friends round so that if one of you succumbs to food poisoning you can all go to hospital together.<br />
Oh and while you're at it bring your kids too...<br />
Another reason as if one were needed for keeping the windows closed, all that fucking screeching and shouting. And that's just her next door bellowing at the kids to get off of this or that, stay out of the chicken coop (don't even get me started on the fucking chicken coop) or just general shouting for the sake of it.<br />
So what's so great about barbecues (I refuse to call them BBQ's) anyway?<br />
You have an oven in your kitchen which seems to cook food perfectly well the rest of the year and yet for some reason come the summer it's 'necessary' to cook on an open fire. Some people even have gas barbecues..... words fail me. That's just an oven - outside. Cook inside then bring it outside to eat (if you must), what the fuck? Why is it necessary to cook it outside?<br />
Why is it necessary to eat outside either?<br />
Very rarely is it hot and completely still, so even if it's warm you still have to watch your lettuce doesn't blow away, and then you've got flies buzzing around, shitting on everything in sight. I mean what is the point? That is if you have lettuce of course, which most people don't. No, barbecued food generally means crappy white bread rolls with a ridiculously burnt (or possibly scarily undercooked) sausage or burger on a paper plate. Well whoop-de-fucking-do, why didn't you say so.... how could I resist. I was going to have a Marks and Spencer's Woodhouse Chicken with brown mushrooms and spinach, but no, fuck that shit, I'll come round and eat blackened beef in a shitty white roll.<br />
A few years ago our neighbours had their first barbecue and they actually invited us round. I guess we could have made the effort, but the thing is, that would have meant that every time they had a barbecue they would have felt obligated to invite us around again, which wouldn't be such a problem if they didn't have children. Not just children but one child who is surely destined for Olympic standard shouting and bossiness one day, and one child who cries every fucking day for no apparent reason.<br />
The problem is, there's only so much shouting and screaming and running about one can take before one is tempted to leave one's leg out in the hope that a small child trips over it. And that won't endear me to anyone, so instead I steer well clear.<br />
And if that means sitting indoors with my windows closed and a fan on then so be it...<br />
Oh yeah, and barbecue sauce, who the fuck invented that, it's vile!Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-14453621125059074012012-08-03T16:14:00.002-07:002012-08-03T16:14:55.057-07:00Commentate properly or STFU!Olympic fever is well and truly here.... every TV ad is somehow connected to the olympic circus, the official washing powder of London 2012! The offical car wax of London 2012! The official female hygiene product of London 2012... etc etc. It's very wearing, in fact if you want your advert to stand out the last thing you want is anything to do with the olympics.<br />
I have hardly seen any of it to be honest, but I've heard plenty on the radio at work and Jesus Christ the commentators get on my fucking nerves. Especially that arsehole that was commentating on the cycling the other day when Bradley Wiggins was competing.<br />
<br />
"And it's Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah blah, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggin's voracious appetite for medals, Blah blah Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradlyWigginsBradlyWigginsBradleyWiggins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"<br />
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Now, forgive me but that isn't commentating, that's just repeating the guy's name over and over and over again, fuck me, I could have done that! How much is this tit getting paid exactly?Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-18920649220228347552012-07-18T13:07:00.000-07:002012-07-18T13:07:02.816-07:00Everyone's on a fucking journey...Enough already. Everyone's on a fucking 'journey'. Be it weight loss, a quest for fame via some lame ass talent show, a quest for anything really.... it's all punctuated with endless references to the 'journey' and I for one am sick of it. Of course the TV love all this shit. No one can just want to be famous, or rich, or want to fuck lots of hot chicks/dudes, you can't even get on a TV show these days unless you have a harrowing back story.<br />
Case in point, we've just started watching series eight of the Biggest Loser, and there is a contestant on there who's mother died a heroin addict, so she's on a 'journey' to overcome this (fine, okay... no quibble with you, I have no idea what shit this poor girl's been through and I'm not belittling it in the slightest) I bet she thought she was on safe ground with that one, but no, she's beaten down into second place by our biggest 'journeyist', the woman who's entire family was wiped out by a speeding driver.<br />
Now that's a fucking journey!!!<br />
Look, I know I sound like a heartless bastard, but believe me I feel for her. But the way the TV portrays it all, constantly flashing back to her heart wrenching story 'reveal' (with instant 'sad' music overlay) you can't help but roll your eyes after the third or fourth time. Not least because no matter what this woman does (and now she's injured so she's gonna be in even greater danger of being up for elimination) no-one can vote her off for fear of vilification from the viewing public.<br />
That poor woman's injured, she only lost a pound and YOU voted for her to go home.... AFTER ALL SHE'S BEEN THROUGH!!!! How do you sleep at night you evil piece of shit?<br />
The thing is, this over-egging the pudding just works against them in the end, at least in my mind...<br />
Last week they were competing to win phone calls from home and I couldn't help but think... well, not such a big deal for her... is it?Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-66165641973089031382012-06-30T08:07:00.001-07:002012-06-30T08:08:02.632-07:00ScumI saw in a local paper the other day that a guy had been jailed for a couple of months for drowning his dog in a bath of water because it failed to bite a burglar. It also said the guy had previously been jailed twice before for violence, including one incident where he assaulted a fifteen yr old (so badly he had to have his face rebuilt with metal plates).<br />
This worthless piece of shit will kill someone one day, mark my words. What the fuck is wrong with society that he is allowed his freedom after a matter of weeks?<br />
A friend of mine has moved to Australia and started working voluntarily at an animal shelter, she said there's a kitten there that had it's ears cut off... that makes me so fucking angry. How could anyone do that to a kitten? I saw a little kid once throw something at one of my cats and I wanted to batter the little cunt.<br />
I actually chased him down the street, but fortunately I didn't do anything more than give him a piece of my mind.<br />
The older I get the more I really can't be doing with people. I know these scum are the minority and there are a lot of good people out there, but I just can't be bothered with most of them.<br />
Sometimes I can really see where Slipknot are coming from with a song like 'People=Shit'.<br />
<br />Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-28500416189732033872012-06-26T15:06:00.001-07:002012-06-26T15:06:31.776-07:00Bulging brides my arse...Mistress R and I are somewhat obsessed with 'Biggest Loser USA', series seven of which is currently being shown here in the afternoons on a channel called Pick TV. We watch it every single day without fail, we're just hoping that when it finishes we get season eight!<div>
When the channel 'Really' started, we were treated to the truly epic 'Tool Academy USA' so we were pissed when Really tailed off and just became a 24/7 mishmash of Border Control/Police Camera Bollocks, with only Cheaters (and that's weak!) in it's place. </div>
<div>
So we were really rather chuffed when a new series came on a couple of weeks ago right before 'Biggest Loser', called 'Bridalplasty'... oh yes, now there was epic car crash reality TV that could maybe even play in the big leagues with the likes of Brett Michaels' 'Rock of Love'. Sadly, it was over all too soon... and the memory of a dozen women competing to have their noses splinted, boobs enhanced and chins and arms liposuctioned (not to mention getting the wedding of their dreams) is already fading, so we were excited to see a new show had replaced 'Bridalplasty' called 'Bulging Brides'.</div>
<div>
Unfortunately, BB's does not live up to the name. I was expecting a house full of hateful, roly-poly fridge bothers, calling each other 'be-atch' and maybe even throwing each other in a pool. But no, there's none of that, the first bride was under 140lbs... what the fuck! That's not bulging.... that's like the skinniest person you know moaning that they have a fat arse, just fuck off!</div>
<div>
Consider that a point against you Pick TV, get your finger out, this is just shit. Why not plunder the Charm School series or give us the first series of Tool Academy that Really omitted to broadcast. And while you're at it make sure you've got the next series of Biggest Loser ready to go, I know there's about another five (plus the five before you started showing them!).</div>
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Totally stoked to see Tara kicking Sione's ass in the car pulling challenge after they all ganged up on her to handicap her with extra weight. Awesome job!</div>Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-7038923717061110312012-05-31T01:36:00.000-07:002012-05-31T01:36:36.693-07:00Senior moments...So annoying. On the drive to work this morning something annoyed me and I thought it would make a perfect rant, but now I can't remember what the fuck it was. I guess this is what comes of getting older, I remember my Grandpa walking into the lounge once with the teapot in his hand... and asking us where the teapot was. I also remember him looking for his glasses when they were on top of his head. He wasn't senile or anything, just old... still I guess it's better than the alternative.Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-60636922587873036442012-04-30T02:26:00.001-07:002012-04-30T02:26:24.438-07:00But, she's so beautiful...I watched one of those '40 Craziest Celebrity Divorces' kind of programmes on Really last night (I know, I can't help it), and the thing that makes me laugh is the way the 'talking head' people are like 'how could you cheat on her, she's so beautiful'. For instance, some guy (I forget his name) was married to Halle Berry, and apparently he cheated on her, and they were just completely unable to compute that this guy cheated on Halle Berry, Halle Fucking Berry for fucks sake! Because she's so gorgeous...<br />
I'm not arguing that Halle Berry is attractive, but maybe she's not a particularly nice person, or maybe she spends so much time at the gym that she's too tired for sex, or maybe she doesn't want to accommodate this blokes kinks, or whatever.... Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that these are justifications for infidelity, because they aren't, but you can't just say 'Halle Berry is gorgeous why would anyone cheat on her', it's a fucking stupid statement.<br />
I mean, this guy lives with her every day, he's not going to be in awe of her every time he sees her naked, it will become 'normal', it has to. He's seen her drunk, or with a cold, or whatever...<br />
Beauty is far too easily confused with sexiness these days, most Hollywood beauties have as much sex appeal as a broken twig as far as I'm concerned, and the chances are that even the most 'normal' of them are probably neurotic to some extent, they don't live a normal life so how can you really expect them to be 'normal'.<br />
A relatively 'plain' looking woman can still be smoking hot, if she's confident and you have the right chemistry together, on the other hand if you don't have the right chemistry then it doesn't matter how good looking you are, looks aren't gonna last you a lifetime.<br />
Besides, would you rather be dating Halle Berry or say, Sasha Grey?Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-44320674384295763612012-01-31T04:20:00.000-08:002012-01-31T04:20:00.818-08:00Paracetomol...Why oh why oh why are you not allowed to buy more than two packets of paracetomol (or products containing the same)? If I was contemplating suicide would it really defeat me to have to go to more than one shop to buy enough to kill myself? And would I really choose to end it all with Lemsip? Come on!!!Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7544782947670367097.post-74725081758814589432012-01-09T14:20:00.000-08:002012-01-09T23:48:55.076-08:00I just don't get it...Why is it that the greatest crime of the 21st century is having a hairy back? When did this happen? And why is it such a big deal? Questions, questions and more questions. I for one have quite a hairy back, and should I ever become single again (Heaven forbid!) I worry that I would have to make a visit to the waxing salon before I even thought about entertaining the idea of a 'date'...<br />
<div>What I don't quite understand is why it's the back that's the problem. If you don't like hairy men, well fair enough, we all have our types, our likes and dislikes and the things that are deal breakers (mine's mainly children or the desire to create them), but why is a hairy back so much worse than a hairy chest? I just don't get it.</div><div>Really, if that's the biggest problem you have in a prospective relationship, then either your priorities are all off kilter or you have truly met the perfect man. I have this imaginary scenario running around my head where I am on a date with a hot woman and I keep spewing out all my heinous faults, my huge gambling debts, my inability to stay faithful, my out of control drinking, my 40 a day habit, my sudden unprovoked jealous rages, my uncontrollable letching at inappropriately aged girls in bars... all of these are dismissed with little more than a roll of the eyes and an almost imperceptible shrug. And then I hit her with the big one, the hairy back.</div><div>No sooner have the words left my lips then she's on her feet, her wine glass thrust into my face, it's contents soaking slowly into my Armani shirt... "You pig," she screams as she flees the restaurant, only pausing at the door to reveal my terrible secret to the rest of the diners, before hurrying from sight, the cold night air streaming in through the open door until one of the sour faced (and no doubt smooth backed) waiters crosses the now utterly silent room to close it. I look around the beautifully decorated room but see nothing but dozens of disbelieving eyes starring unblinkingly at me, their expressions somewhere between horror and disgust, until finally I can take it no more and call for the bill.</div><div>The smooth backed waiter brings my check immediately, bends close to my ear and whispers in his most disdainful voice 'Don't come back here until you have your affairs in order, your kind make me sick'.<br />
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After reading this Mistress R and I discussed this and she said isn't it weird how not that long ago having a hairy chest was a sign of male virility, and if you have a hairy chest you probably have a hairy back too. She went on to point out that she couldn't actually think of a single male 'celebrity' with any hair at all, front or back, which seems incredibly unlikely doesn't it? </div>Robert_Anthonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06193097822549421108noreply@blogger.com3