I helsike du ikea

In their infinite fucking wisdom, furniture giant Ikea have decided to drop all the Swedish food from their Swedish shop and replace it with sub standard (and non-Swedish in some cases) crap instead, under their own label. Truth be told this doesn't bother me for the most part, since a) I hardly ever go to Ikea, and b) most everything in the shop was disgusting anyway.
But... and it is a significant but, the one thing that made a trip to Ikea worthwhile was the chance to purchase the awesome and otherwise very difficult to get hold of Maribou range of chocolate. So when I rocked up at my local store and found that the Maribou range had been replaced I was not best pleased at all. Instead I found some very uninteresting looking bars of 'Ikea' chocolate which the staff insisted tasted 'just the same' as the Maribou stuff.
Now call me a sceptical old bastard, but this own brand shit was half the price of the Maribou range, moreover the packaging was massively shit, and common sense tells me that quality chocolate does not come in shit looking packaging. Think Lindt, think Hotel Chocolat.... and then look at this.

I bet your mouth is watering already huh. I mean who the fuck thought that was good packaging? Supermarkets have better packaging than that on their own brands... still I would be kicking myself if I didn't try it wouldn't I? If it turned out to really taste 'just like the Maribou stuff'.

Well I did, and guess what.... it tastes fuck all like the Maribou stuff, absolutely fuck all. The staff are lying bastards who should all die in hell for their complete bullshittery, though I suspect they may have been instructed to lie by their evil corporate-cocksucking paymasters.

It tastes fucking horrible as a matter of fact, it's bitter and I only ate a couple of squares (believe me, chocolate has to suck for me to spurn it!), it tastes exactly what it is, cheap rubbish.

So disappointing, not least because Maribou seems only to be available through the internet at a vastly inflated price. Well thanks Ikea, thank you for jack shit. 

Not only that, but Mistress R bought some of the 'Ikea' replacement brand chocolate marshmallow thingys and she ate one and chucked the rest in the bin. Well I can only hope that people all over the country are doing exactly the same and soon Ikea, you profit-mongering fuckwads, will realise the error of your ways! 

BBQ Wankers...

Every year it's the same, the first hint of sunshine and people feel compelled to burn their food in the garden. Why? I just don't get it. And worse still, if you tell people you don't get it, they look at you like you're fucking mental.
"You don't like barbecues?"
No I fucking don't.
It's simple really, I don't like being in the sun and being in the sun kind of goes hand in hand with burning sausages in your back garden.
But everyone likes the sun, surely?
No, they don't.
It's not that I'm worried I'll contract melanoma if I stand in the sun eating a charcoal flavoured sausage, though that isn't a bad reason to stay out of it. I just don't like the sun, it makes me feel a bit sick if I'm out in it for too long.
It's fucking antisocial as well, not only does it stink, and mean that when you really want your windows open you have to shut them because the arsehole next door is burning his dinner and the smoke always blows this fucking way, but of course for some reason cooking outside means you have to invite all your friends round so that if one of you succumbs to food poisoning you can all go to hospital together.
Oh and while you're at it bring your kids too...
Another reason as if one were needed for keeping the windows closed, all that fucking screeching and shouting. And that's just her next door bellowing at the kids to get off of this or that, stay out of the chicken coop (don't even get me started on the fucking chicken coop) or just general shouting for the sake of it.
So what's so great about barbecues (I refuse to call them BBQ's) anyway?
You have an oven in your kitchen which seems to cook food perfectly well the rest of the year and yet for some reason come the summer it's 'necessary' to cook on an open fire. Some people even have gas barbecues..... words fail me. That's just an oven - outside. Cook inside then bring it outside to eat (if you must), what the fuck? Why is it necessary to cook it outside?
Why is it necessary to eat outside either?
Very rarely is it hot and completely still, so even if it's warm you still have to watch your lettuce doesn't blow away, and then you've got flies buzzing around, shitting on everything in sight. I mean what is the point? That is if you have lettuce of course, which most people don't. No, barbecued food generally means crappy white bread rolls with a ridiculously burnt (or possibly scarily undercooked) sausage or burger on a paper plate. Well whoop-de-fucking-do, why didn't you say so.... how could I resist. I was going to have a Marks and Spencer's Woodhouse Chicken with brown mushrooms and spinach, but no, fuck that shit, I'll come round and eat blackened beef in a shitty white roll.
A few years ago our neighbours had their first barbecue and they actually invited us round. I guess we could have made the effort, but the thing is, that would have meant that every time they had a barbecue they would have felt obligated to invite us around again, which wouldn't be such a problem if they didn't have children. Not just children but one child who is surely destined for Olympic standard shouting and bossiness one day, and one child who cries every fucking day for no apparent reason.
The problem is, there's only so much shouting and screaming and running about one can take before one is tempted to leave one's leg out in the hope that a small child trips over it. And that won't endear me to anyone, so instead I steer well clear.
And if that means sitting indoors with my windows closed and a fan on then so be it...
Oh yeah, and barbecue sauce, who the fuck invented that, it's vile!

Commentate properly or STFU!

Olympic fever is well and truly here.... every TV ad is somehow connected to the olympic circus, the official washing powder of London 2012! The offical car wax of London 2012! The official female hygiene product of London 2012... etc etc. It's very wearing, in fact if you want your advert to stand out the last thing you want is anything to do with the olympics.
I have hardly seen any of it to be honest, but I've heard plenty on the radio at work and Jesus Christ the commentators get on my fucking nerves. Especially that arsehole that was commentating on the cycling the other day when Bradley Wiggins was competing.

"And it's Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah blah, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggin's voracious appetite for medals, Blah blah Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradlyWigginsBradlyWigginsBradleyWiggins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now, forgive me but that isn't commentating, that's just repeating the guy's name over and over and over again, fuck me, I could have done that! How much is this tit getting paid exactly?

Everyone's on a fucking journey...

Enough already. Everyone's on a fucking 'journey'. Be it weight loss, a quest for fame via some lame ass talent show, a quest for anything really.... it's all punctuated with endless references to the 'journey' and I for one am sick of it. Of course the TV love all this shit. No one can just want to be famous, or rich, or want to fuck lots of hot chicks/dudes, you can't even get on a TV show these days unless you have a harrowing back story.
Case in point, we've just started watching series eight of the Biggest Loser, and there is a contestant on there who's mother died a heroin addict, so she's on a 'journey' to overcome this (fine, okay... no quibble with you, I have no idea what shit this poor girl's been through and I'm not belittling it in the slightest) I bet she thought she was on safe ground with that one, but no, she's beaten down into second place by our biggest 'journeyist', the woman who's entire family was wiped out by a speeding driver.
Now that's a fucking journey!!!
Look, I know I sound like a heartless bastard, but believe me I feel for her. But the way the TV portrays it all, constantly flashing back to her heart wrenching story 'reveal' (with instant 'sad' music overlay) you can't help but roll your eyes after the third or fourth time. Not least because no matter what this woman does (and now she's injured so she's gonna be in even greater danger of being up for elimination) no-one can vote her off for fear of vilification from the viewing public.
That poor woman's injured, she only lost a pound and YOU voted for her to go home.... AFTER ALL SHE'S BEEN THROUGH!!!! How do you sleep at night you evil piece of shit?
The thing is, this over-egging the pudding just works against them in the end, at least in my mind...
Last week they were competing to win phone calls from home and I couldn't help but think... well, not such a big deal for her... is it?

Scum

I saw in a local paper the other day that a guy had been jailed for a couple of months for drowning his dog in a bath of water because it failed to bite a burglar. It also said the guy had previously been jailed twice before for violence, including one incident where he assaulted a fifteen yr old (so badly he had to have his face rebuilt with metal plates).
This worthless piece of shit will kill someone one day, mark my words. What the fuck is wrong with society that he is allowed his freedom after a matter of weeks?
A friend of mine has moved to Australia and started working voluntarily at an animal shelter, she said there's a kitten there that had it's ears cut off... that makes me so fucking angry. How could anyone do that to a kitten? I saw a little kid once throw something at one of my cats and I wanted to batter the little cunt.
I actually chased him down the street, but fortunately I didn't do anything more than give him a piece of my mind.
The older I get the more I really can't be doing with people. I know these scum are the minority and there are a lot of good people out there, but I just can't be bothered with most of them.
Sometimes I can really see where Slipknot are coming from with a song like 'People=Shit'.

Bulging brides my arse...

Mistress R and I are somewhat obsessed with 'Biggest Loser USA', series seven of which is currently being shown here in the afternoons on a channel called Pick TV. We watch it every single day without fail, we're just hoping that when it finishes we get season eight!

 When the channel 'Really' started, we were treated to the truly epic 'Tool Academy USA' so we were pissed when Really tailed off and just became a 24/7 mishmash of Border Control/Police Camera Bollocks, with only Cheaters (and that's weak!) in it's place. 

So we were really rather chuffed when a new series came on a couple of weeks ago right before 'Biggest Loser', called 'Bridalplasty'... oh yes, now there was epic car crash reality TV that could maybe even play in the big leagues with the likes of Brett Michaels' 'Rock of Love'. Sadly, it was over all too soon... and the memory of a dozen women competing to have their noses splinted, boobs enhanced and chins and arms liposuctioned (not to mention getting the wedding of their dreams) is already fading, so we were excited to see a new show had replaced 'Bridalplasty' called 'Bulging Brides'.

Unfortunately, BB's does not live up to the name. I was expecting a house full of hateful, roly-poly fridge bothers, calling each other 'be-atch' and maybe even throwing each other in a pool. But no, there's none of that, the first bride was under 140lbs... what the fuck! That's not bulging.... that's like the skinniest person you know moaning that they have a fat arse, just fuck off!

Consider that a point against you Pick TV, get your finger out, this is just shit. Why not plunder the Charm School series or give us the first series of Tool Academy that Really omitted to broadcast. And while you're at it make sure you've got the next series of Biggest Loser ready to go, I know there's about another five (plus the five before you started showing them!).

Totally stoked to see Tara kicking Sione's ass in the car pulling challenge after they all ganged up on her to handicap her with extra weight. Awesome job!

Senior moments...

So annoying. On the drive to work this morning something annoyed me and I thought it would make a perfect rant, but now I can't remember what the fuck it was. I guess this is what comes of getting older, I remember my Grandpa walking into the lounge once with the teapot in his hand... and asking us where the teapot was. I also remember him looking for his glasses when they were on top of his head. He wasn't senile or anything, just old... still I guess it's better than the alternative.