Once upon a time there was a Kit Kit, it wasn't anyone's favourite biscuit, but it was better than a Penguin, a Breakaway or (God help us) a Viscount (minty but kind of soft as if it was out of date). Back in the day Kit Kat came in two styles, four finger and two finger (though why anyone would buy a two finger Kit Kat is beyond me).
In relatively recent years, probably since good old Rowntree was bought out by the evil Nestle corporation, Kit Kat as expanded as a brand, with mixed results. On the one hand, a positive development was the invention of the Chunky Kit Kat, which was in every way superior to the original, while still being only moderately exciting.
Spurred on by the success of this bigger, chunkier biscuit, Nestle started fucking around, there was a white chocolate version (one which periodically reappears and disappears, it's rank) an orange version (very short lived but rather tasty, resurrected in the two finger format with very limited success) and of course the almost inedible King Size. King Size anything is good, but the King Size Kit Kat was just too big, even for a chocoholics like me.
In even more recent years we had the Caramel Kit Kat. Finally here was a Kit Kat we could believe in, the caramel lifted the product to heights no Kit Kat had ever dreamed of, never mind attained. And it's not hard to see why, caramel is the X-factor which lifts all chocolate to a higher level and makes it desirable.
Except Twix of course, Twix is shit. How anyone can combine biscuit, caramel and chocolate and come up with something as tedious as Twix is beyond me.
Anyway, so far so good. We have the Chunky Kit Kat for emergencies, the old two/four finger style Kit Kat for the old school Kit Kat eaters and the Caramel for the cognoscenti. Then they started making special editions with nuts in, trying to manufacture a Kit Kat/Snicker hybrid (why anyone thought was a good idea I don't know...) and then came the big competition. Four new flavours were produced, but there could be only one winner.
The winner was peanut butter, which I thought might be nice until I tried it. But what really sucked was that the peanut butter REPLACED the Caramel Kit Kat. What madness was this?
I mean fuck you Nestle, fuck you in your stupid ass.
Now there's a new breed of Kit Kat's, including Fudge, Mint and some others, all of which won't be as good as the Caramel one. I suppose the fudge one might be okay, but then if it is the bastards will only discontinue it. It's like all those poor saps who sat through the first two series of Lost on terrestrial TV only for it to be transferred to Sky. So I say fuck you Nestle, I won't even try another Kit Kat until you bring back the caramel one.
