Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Radio Rant...

Today I have been subjected to a full day of BBC Radio 2. Supposedly people of my generation are the target audience, because frankly listening to Radio 1 is a bit like watching The Kardashians, soul destroying!
I had already developed a subtle loathing for Radio 2 due to it's insistence on overplaying songs such as 'Only Human' by somebody Perry (not Katy Perry)... the first time you hear it you think, oh that's not too bad (you know, compared all the other shit they play), the 'little girl' voice is a bit annoying, but then you realise the whole construct of the song is merely to facilitate the 'loud' chorus and it quickly starts to grate like knuckles on a cheese grater.
I don't mind Ken Bruce so much, he's a modern day Terry Wogan and bumbles along, but Steve Wright is just plain irritating. He really isn't nearly as funny as he thinks he is and his pointless interjections into everything and his 'hilarious' singing on the end of every song is frankly painful. Still, incredible as it sounds, the other week I was positively missing him as some clown decided to enlist arch idiot Patrick Keilty to cover for Steve's holiday.
Jesus Christ, you cannot imagine the torment this man caused during his short tenure. His main shtick seems to be 'I'm shit, I know it and you know it, and if I make enough jokes about how shit I actually am, then maybe I can get away with this'. Oh that, and of course 'I'm Irish'. 'I drink Guinness because I'm Irish'. 'Did I mention that I'm Irish, did I'. 'So I did, but I am you know, proper Irish I am'. And so on and so forth...
I imagine all of Patrick's friends call him 'Paddy' when they are in the pub drinking, but really it would be a whole lot more constructive and appropriate to call him 'That wanker off the radio' like everyone else does.
Not all of my ire is a direct fault of the British Broadcasting Corporation, for example today I was momentarily cheered by the first few notes of Meat Loaf's seminal classic 'Bat Out of Hell', only to realise in very short order that they were playing some sort of bullshit edited version which missed out the whole intro and probably several other parts too. It's not overstating the case to say that I was incensed! I realise of course that the BBC themselves are not responsible for the existence of an edited version of the sing, it could well be that it was the 'single' version as released by the record label at the time. But even if it was, that is no reason to chose to play that abomination when the album version is freely and readily available. Could it be that there are people out there who think that's how 'Bat Out of Hell' should actually sound? Oh. My. God. No! It's like framing the Mona Lisa so that the top of her head is off the top of the frame, you just wouldn't, would you?
And another thing, what is it with the fucking clown drum all of a sudden? Fucking Mumford and Sons have introduced a new sound which we shall for the purposes of classification which makes sense to no one but myself call 'Punk Wurzels', although it sounds nothing like as interesting as that description probably suggests... and now their comedy drum sound (now to be known as 'Clown Drums') is appearing in other bands songs. Radio 2 played a Boyzone song today with it in, fucking Boyzone! Jump on that Punk Wurzels bandwagon boys, and why don't you throw in a snatch of Dubstep while you're at it? Go on, I dare you.
But Patrick Keilty, thank fuck he was only a temporary measure!

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Like shooting fish in a barrel...

The Kardashians... or more precisely, Kim Kardashian, or more precisily still, the press's obsession with her arse. Well, yes, it's big. Unfeasibly big. When you see her side on it actually looks like it's lagging behind her... which is neither normal or particularly attractive. I mean I would consider myself an ass man for sure, but that is too much ass! I was in a supermarket this morning and there was a magazine by the tills which had a photo of Kim on the front with the line 'How Kim got her NEW Bum!'.
Usually when you see that kind of headline, it's usually accompanying a photo of a previously 'overweight' (couple of pounds probably...) celebrity showing off their tight little ass. This picture basically looks like Kim has had a photo of her ass taken in a hall of mirrors, I mean it's fucking hilarious. And the fact that it says her 'new' bum... kinda gives the game away that it's not 100% natural, doesn't it?
So what is the secret of her comedy butt? I'm not sufficiently interested to buy the magazine to find out, but I'm guessing somewhere along the line it involves blowing up a couple of balloons and inserting them into her trousers. What else could it be? I mean if she's actually injected something into her ass to make it that big, then... how will she ever be able to lie on her back again?
To be honest, I'm not a fan of the Kardashians, I don't honestly think she's all that stunningly beautiful... she wears far too much make up for a start. I have seen a couple of episodes of their show (how embarrassing) and it's possibly the lamest, dullest, most boring twenty two minutes I've ever spent. The only saving grace was the douchebag boyfriend with the cane who was such a monumental prick it was mildly amusing to watch him make an absolute arse of himself as he hunted for his 'cane'... Oh my life, make it stop.
Apparently, and I'm sure this will be useful information for all those who haven't read a paper today, Mr Kanye West was hoping to have his bestest bud 'Jay-Z' as his best man at his forthcoming wedding to Kim, only problem is... Jaz-Z's missus 'Beyonce' don't want nothing to do with it because she doesn't want to appear on a trashy TV show. Which means she has automatically gone up in my estimation... I wouldn't want to appear on that trashy TV show either, especially if I had an actual talent (unlike Kim for example) and didn't need the exposure.
Anyway, I think I see the end in sight... surely the wedding is the natural end of the show. But wait, she's already got married once.... well, faked it more like, but her dumb fucking fans still buy into it. And wait, actually that's not her house in the TV show, well never mind... at this point nothing would really surprise me, not even pulling a couple of balloons out of her trousers.

More on alarm clocks...

As you may remember (if you've got a really astonishingly good memory for banal shit) I posted about alarm clocks about a year ago, and I'm pleased to report that I finally found a replacement for my alarm clock on eBay. In the meantime I bought another alarm clock which was visible in daylight but also had a light for the nighttime (which, you will of course remember I really don't need because I have the time projected on the ceiling by the old alarm clock....). The thing that pissed me off about this one is that every button you press on this piece of crap makes a beep. Why the fuck would anybody want that? 

I want to turn the alarm off before it goes off so that I don't wake my wife  - BEEP!

I want to see the time in the dark in the middle of the night - BEEP!

I need to turn the alarm on late at night and my wife is already asleep - BEEP!

I need to change the alarm time late at night and my wife is already asleep - A beep for every fucking minute!!!

Thankfully, as I said, I've now found a replacement for my original one so this thing was consigned to the great alarm clock cloud in the sky, but for several months it really pissed me off!