Today I have been subjected to a full day of BBC Radio 2. Supposedly people of my generation are the target audience, because frankly listening to Radio 1 is a bit like watching The Kardashians, soul destroying!
I had already developed a subtle loathing for Radio 2 due to it's insistence on overplaying songs such as 'Only Human' by somebody Perry (not Katy Perry)... the first time you hear it you think, oh that's not too bad (you know, compared all the other shit they play), the 'little girl' voice is a bit annoying, but then you realise the whole construct of the song is merely to facilitate the 'loud' chorus and it quickly starts to grate like knuckles on a cheese grater.
I don't mind Ken Bruce so much, he's a modern day Terry Wogan and bumbles along, but Steve Wright is just plain irritating. He really isn't nearly as funny as he thinks he is and his pointless interjections into everything and his 'hilarious' singing on the end of every song is frankly painful. Still, incredible as it sounds, the other week I was positively missing him as some clown decided to enlist arch idiot Patrick Keilty to cover for Steve's holiday.
Jesus Christ, you cannot imagine the torment this man caused during his short tenure. His main shtick seems to be 'I'm shit, I know it and you know it, and if I make enough jokes about how shit I actually am, then maybe I can get away with this'. Oh that, and of course 'I'm Irish'. 'I drink Guinness because I'm Irish'. 'Did I mention that I'm Irish, did I'. 'So I did, but I am you know, proper Irish I am'. And so on and so forth...
I imagine all of Patrick's friends call him 'Paddy' when they are in the pub drinking, but really it would be a whole lot more constructive and appropriate to call him 'That wanker off the radio' like everyone else does.
Not all of my ire is a direct fault of the British Broadcasting Corporation, for example today I was momentarily cheered by the first few notes of Meat Loaf's seminal classic 'Bat Out of Hell', only to realise in very short order that they were playing some sort of bullshit edited version which missed out the whole intro and probably several other parts too. It's not overstating the case to say that I was incensed! I realise of course that the BBC themselves are not responsible for the existence of an edited version of the sing, it could well be that it was the 'single' version as released by the record label at the time. But even if it was, that is no reason to chose to play that abomination when the album version is freely and readily available. Could it be that there are people out there who think that's how 'Bat Out of Hell' should actually sound? Oh. My. God. No! It's like framing the Mona Lisa so that the top of her head is off the top of the frame, you just wouldn't, would you?
And another thing, what is it with the fucking clown drum all of a sudden? Fucking Mumford and Sons have introduced a new sound which we shall for the purposes of classification which makes sense to no one but myself call 'Punk Wurzels', although it sounds nothing like as interesting as that description probably suggests... and now their comedy drum sound (now to be known as 'Clown Drums') is appearing in other bands songs. Radio 2 played a Boyzone song today with it in, fucking Boyzone! Jump on that Punk Wurzels bandwagon boys, and why don't you throw in a snatch of Dubstep while you're at it? Go on, I dare you.
But Patrick Keilty, thank fuck he was only a temporary measure!