Sunday, 16 November 2014

Break teh internetz...

I realise of course that I shouldn't let it get to me. There's no logical reason for me to become agitated, irritated or to vent my spleen in such an undignified manner. And if I genuinely thought more than a few (probably right thinking) adults would read this, then I wouldn't write it for fear of adding to the unexplainable level of attention that one mostly useless individual seems to get just by existing.
So, yes, against all instincts, this rant is indeed about Kim Kardashian's massive arse.
Well, not so much about her massive arse really, since I'm not that 'arsed' about that one way or another. As you know, I am definitely an ass man, but like boobs, you definitely can have too much of a good thing.
It's kind of ironic that for years (some) women have been paranoid about the size of their arse (one of Mistress R's friends wears a long coat to bed, such is her level of paranoia... completely without basis) and now apparently KK is being criticised for promoting an unobtainable body image! First your fat arse was too fat, and now your fat arse is not fat enough. Or is it not PHAT enough?
Well I guess it's not Kim's fault she's got a fat arse. Just cos she's made the best of it and turned it in to a gold-mine... (no pun intended!!!!)
Anyway, anyone with a brain in their head can see that that image is photo-shopped. Her butt may be untouched, but there's no way her waist is that skinny in proportion. Just fuck right off. So yeah, she may be promoting an unobtainable body image, but the real ire should be reserved for anyone who can't see that picture for what it is.
Besides, why does anybody care about this woman?
I've seen her TV show, I'm not averse to a bit of trashy telly, but it was so fucking tedious. And don't get me started on the prick with the cane, jesus...
The truth is I can't even bring myself to rant properly because she's just so fucking dull. Whatever I or others may think of other celebrities like Britney Spears, at least she has some kind of talent (or had at one point), at least they entertain some people. KK is just an American 'Jordan' at the end of the day. But with a phatter arse.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Fucking Facebook...

Apparently Facebook went down last week for half an hour, which led to some absolute morons ringing 911 and to some Los Angeles police dept to post a message on Twitter telling people not to ring them because it was nothing to do with them.
Yes, loss of internet is frustrating, but it really isn't the end of the world, get a fucking grip. It might be an idea for some of these pricks to be prosecuted for wasting police time and held up as an example to other idiots.
Amazon are trying to lure me onto Facebook with promises of vouchers, but they can fuck right off. What I really don't like about all this is that they want to link everything up, often without asking, potentially exposing parts of your life you'd rather keep private. I know this was the reason why Harry moved his blog away from Google, because he didn't want his daughter to find his blog through a connection to his email address.
I can well imagine me having to do the same at some point, as much as I really don't want to.
Technology's great but it can really get you in trouble. I remember having something on a memory stick which I needed to transfer onto my bosses laptop... But his laptop was set up to transfer everything from any memory stick to the desktop without asking, which caused me some rather frantic moments of panic as I tried to stop all manner of NSFW material being transferred!
It pisses me off the number of sites that want you to log in with your Facebook account to be able to post comments as well. At least Google don't ask you to do that on my blog...yet.
I can see that eventually we will all end up desperately trying to keep our private lives private, and failing probably. Which is a shame really. While I suppose anonymity isn't always a positive thing on the internet, I'd rather my mother didn't get to read about me getting fucked in the ass by Mistress R.
So yeah, anyway...fuck Facebook.

Friday, 18 April 2014

Band names...

What the fuck is wrong with the kids these days? I'm not making this up right, I just saw a poster for a gig by a band called.... wait for it... 'iLikeTrains'. Seriously. That's the best they could come up with? I guess on the positive side pushing it all into one word like that might make it Google friendly (very important these days of course... nobody with a brain would call their band anything normal these days, it took me three months to find the website for a band called 'Pain'!), and maybe starting their name with a small 'i' is a sarcastic comment on the world's obsession with prefixing everything with 'i' ever since the invention and global veneration of the iPod. Or maybe not.

Anyway, curiosity got the better of me so I hereby present to you 'iLikeTrains'. Although it seems that perhaps the pushing it together thing was only on the poster I saw. Unless there's another band with the same name.

Which is not nearly as funny as this one...

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

The twelve year old mother...

In the papers today there is a story about a twelve year old girl who has given birth, she is the youngest mother in the UK ever apparently. But what caught my eye was the story of the previous youngest mother. Apparently she was thirteen when she gave birth, and her boyfriend (Alfie) was also thirteen. Thing is, it turned out that Alfie wasn't the dad, and he was described as 'distressed' by the results of a DNA test which showed the culprit to be another lad two years his senior.
Now I don't know about you, but it's one thing to learn that at the ripe old age of thirteen you are going to be a father. But it's quite another to discover that your girlfriend is a slut! He should have been jumping for joy, not distressed. Off the hook mate, that's what that is. Off the fucking hook!!!

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Radio Rant...

Today I have been subjected to a full day of BBC Radio 2. Supposedly people of my generation are the target audience, because frankly listening to Radio 1 is a bit like watching The Kardashians, soul destroying!
I had already developed a subtle loathing for Radio 2 due to it's insistence on overplaying songs such as 'Only Human' by somebody Perry (not Katy Perry)... the first time you hear it you think, oh that's not too bad (you know, compared all the other shit they play), the 'little girl' voice is a bit annoying, but then you realise the whole construct of the song is merely to facilitate the 'loud' chorus and it quickly starts to grate like knuckles on a cheese grater.
I don't mind Ken Bruce so much, he's a modern day Terry Wogan and bumbles along, but Steve Wright is just plain irritating. He really isn't nearly as funny as he thinks he is and his pointless interjections into everything and his 'hilarious' singing on the end of every song is frankly painful. Still, incredible as it sounds, the other week I was positively missing him as some clown decided to enlist arch idiot Patrick Keilty to cover for Steve's holiday.
Jesus Christ, you cannot imagine the torment this man caused during his short tenure. His main shtick seems to be 'I'm shit, I know it and you know it, and if I make enough jokes about how shit I actually am, then maybe I can get away with this'. Oh that, and of course 'I'm Irish'. 'I drink Guinness because I'm Irish'. 'Did I mention that I'm Irish, did I'. 'So I did, but I am you know, proper Irish I am'. And so on and so forth...
I imagine all of Patrick's friends call him 'Paddy' when they are in the pub drinking, but really it would be a whole lot more constructive and appropriate to call him 'That wanker off the radio' like everyone else does.
Not all of my ire is a direct fault of the British Broadcasting Corporation, for example today I was momentarily cheered by the first few notes of Meat Loaf's seminal classic 'Bat Out of Hell', only to realise in very short order that they were playing some sort of bullshit edited version which missed out the whole intro and probably several other parts too. It's not overstating the case to say that I was incensed! I realise of course that the BBC themselves are not responsible for the existence of an edited version of the sing, it could well be that it was the 'single' version as released by the record label at the time. But even if it was, that is no reason to chose to play that abomination when the album version is freely and readily available. Could it be that there are people out there who think that's how 'Bat Out of Hell' should actually sound? Oh. My. God. No! It's like framing the Mona Lisa so that the top of her head is off the top of the frame, you just wouldn't, would you?
And another thing, what is it with the fucking clown drum all of a sudden? Fucking Mumford and Sons have introduced a new sound which we shall for the purposes of classification which makes sense to no one but myself call 'Punk Wurzels', although it sounds nothing like as interesting as that description probably suggests... and now their comedy drum sound (now to be known as 'Clown Drums') is appearing in other bands songs. Radio 2 played a Boyzone song today with it in, fucking Boyzone! Jump on that Punk Wurzels bandwagon boys, and why don't you throw in a snatch of Dubstep while you're at it? Go on, I dare you.
But Patrick Keilty, thank fuck he was only a temporary measure!

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Like shooting fish in a barrel...

The Kardashians... or more precisely, Kim Kardashian, or more precisily still, the press's obsession with her arse. Well, yes, it's big. Unfeasibly big. When you see her side on it actually looks like it's lagging behind her... which is neither normal or particularly attractive. I mean I would consider myself an ass man for sure, but that is too much ass! I was in a supermarket this morning and there was a magazine by the tills which had a photo of Kim on the front with the line 'How Kim got her NEW Bum!'.
Usually when you see that kind of headline, it's usually accompanying a photo of a previously 'overweight' (couple of pounds probably...) celebrity showing off their tight little ass. This picture basically looks like Kim has had a photo of her ass taken in a hall of mirrors, I mean it's fucking hilarious. And the fact that it says her 'new' bum... kinda gives the game away that it's not 100% natural, doesn't it?
So what is the secret of her comedy butt? I'm not sufficiently interested to buy the magazine to find out, but I'm guessing somewhere along the line it involves blowing up a couple of balloons and inserting them into her trousers. What else could it be? I mean if she's actually injected something into her ass to make it that big, then... how will she ever be able to lie on her back again?
To be honest, I'm not a fan of the Kardashians, I don't honestly think she's all that stunningly beautiful... she wears far too much make up for a start. I have seen a couple of episodes of their show (how embarrassing) and it's possibly the lamest, dullest, most boring twenty two minutes I've ever spent. The only saving grace was the douchebag boyfriend with the cane who was such a monumental prick it was mildly amusing to watch him make an absolute arse of himself as he hunted for his 'cane'... Oh my life, make it stop.
Apparently, and I'm sure this will be useful information for all those who haven't read a paper today, Mr Kanye West was hoping to have his bestest bud 'Jay-Z' as his best man at his forthcoming wedding to Kim, only problem is... Jaz-Z's missus 'Beyonce' don't want nothing to do with it because she doesn't want to appear on a trashy TV show. Which means she has automatically gone up in my estimation... I wouldn't want to appear on that trashy TV show either, especially if I had an actual talent (unlike Kim for example) and didn't need the exposure.
Anyway, I think I see the end in sight... surely the wedding is the natural end of the show. But wait, she's already got married once.... well, faked it more like, but her dumb fucking fans still buy into it. And wait, actually that's not her house in the TV show, well never mind... at this point nothing would really surprise me, not even pulling a couple of balloons out of her trousers.

More on alarm clocks...

As you may remember (if you've got a really astonishingly good memory for banal shit) I posted about alarm clocks about a year ago, and I'm pleased to report that I finally found a replacement for my alarm clock on eBay. In the meantime I bought another alarm clock which was visible in daylight but also had a light for the nighttime (which, you will of course remember I really don't need because I have the time projected on the ceiling by the old alarm clock....). The thing that pissed me off about this one is that every button you press on this piece of crap makes a beep. Why the fuck would anybody want that? 

I want to turn the alarm off before it goes off so that I don't wake my wife  - BEEP!

I want to see the time in the dark in the middle of the night - BEEP!

I need to turn the alarm on late at night and my wife is already asleep - BEEP!

I need to change the alarm time late at night and my wife is already asleep - A beep for every fucking minute!!!

Thankfully, as I said, I've now found a replacement for my original one so this thing was consigned to the great alarm clock cloud in the sky, but for several months it really pissed me off!