It's Mother's Day next Sunday and I've just been to buy a card. So far, so good... I don't have a problem with that, my mum is okay, we're not super best buddies or anything but I don't have a problem with her or anything. What I do have a problem with is the fucking cards on display in the shop.
Firstly, I don't want a card with 'To Mummy' on it, nor one that's clearly supposed to come from a pain in the arse teenager. I also don't want one that eulogises endlessly about how wonderful my mother is, cos, like I said, she's okay, we get on and we have the same sense of humour but really, I'm a grown man, and I've been a pretty much perfect child. So I really don't have an awful lot to be grateful for, over and above the normal stuff. You know, giving birth, feeding me, clothing me, putting a roof over my head etc etc....
What I mean is, I haven't been any kind of drain on them for a good twenty years, I never trashed my mum's car, or got into massive debts and needed bailing out, etc etc....
Anyway, I'm getting off topic here. The point is the shops can only stock a finite number of cards and as I said, excluding the nauseating, eulogising cards and the ones that are clearly meant for people still living at home, that usually leaves me with a choice of one or two at best.
This unacceptable situation is only made worse by the ridiculous number of bullshit cards doing the rounds. I'm sure you've noticed this when you go to buy a birthday card, and indeed, I may have mentioned this before on this blog. Bullshit cards are cards that are so fucking specific as to be ridiculous. Time was if you had some kind of unorthodox relationship you got a non-specific card and you wrote in it. Then they developed the 'from both of us' card to help you out, so that divorced people in new relationships could send cards without offending anybody.
Over the years more and more bullshit cards have appeared, Happy Birthday from the dog / cat / rabbit / iguana / pterodactyl.... you get the picture. So today I wasn't particularly surprised to see Mother's Day cards for Nan and Grannie, even though it's rather missing the point. It's Mother's Day, so you send your mother a card and she sends her mother a card and (if her mother is still alive) she sends her mother a card. It's not down to you to send your mother's mother a card, or your mother's mother's mother a card. It's fucking Mothers Day, not Nannies Day or Grannies Day for fucks sake.
But today, I saw a card which pushed me to the brink of sanity, a card so fucking ridiculous that I almost grabbed it right off the shelf, ripped it into tiny pieces and pissed on it, right there in the store. Happy Mother's Day to the Mother to Be!
The fucking Mother to Be!
What the fuck is that?
Plenty of time for this shit when she's a mother, not before. And when pray, is it acceptable to send this fucking card? When the baby's due at any time? When the baby's kicking? When the baby's first diagnosed (yes, diagnosed... it's a disease that will make you tired, poor, irritable, uncomfortable, and could even kill you). Perhaps when you're just trying for a baby? God this makes me angry. Perhaps it would be a good card to send a woman you're hoping to get lucky with, kind of a statement of intent?
No this card is bullshit of the worst kind, and how are you going to sign it? From the foetus?
And what if the baby miscarries? Is this bullshit card going to be clung to like some bullshit message from beyond the grave?
No, I think it would be best all round if these cards were boycotted altogether, because somewhere some poor bastard is going to get it in the neck come next Sunday because his wife has a tiny bump and her didn't get her a fucking stupid 'Mum-to-be' card. The poor schmuck didn't realise he had to start that until the baby was actually born, the ill advised buffoon.