Every year it's the same, the first hint of sunshine and people feel compelled to burn their food in the garden. Why? I just don't get it. And worse still, if you tell people you don't get it, they look at you like you're fucking mental.
"You don't like barbecues?"
No I fucking don't.
It's simple really, I don't like being in the sun and being in the sun kind of goes hand in hand with burning sausages in your back garden.
But everyone likes the sun, surely?
No, they don't.
It's not that I'm worried I'll contract melanoma if I stand in the sun eating a charcoal flavoured sausage, though that isn't a bad reason to stay out of it. I just don't like the sun, it makes me feel a bit sick if I'm out in it for too long.
It's fucking antisocial as well, not only does it stink, and mean that when you really want your windows open you have to shut them because the arsehole next door is burning his dinner and the smoke always blows this fucking way, but of course for some reason cooking outside means you have to invite all your friends round so that if one of you succumbs to food poisoning you can all go to hospital together.
Oh and while you're at it bring your kids too...
Another reason as if one were needed for keeping the windows closed, all that fucking screeching and shouting. And that's just her next door bellowing at the kids to get off of this or that, stay out of the chicken coop (don't even get me started on the fucking chicken coop) or just general shouting for the sake of it.
So what's so great about barbecues (I refuse to call them BBQ's) anyway?
You have an oven in your kitchen which seems to cook food perfectly well the rest of the year and yet for some reason come the summer it's 'necessary' to cook on an open fire. Some people even have gas barbecues..... words fail me. That's just an oven - outside. Cook inside then bring it outside to eat (if you must), what the fuck? Why is it necessary to cook it outside?
Why is it necessary to eat outside either?
Very rarely is it hot and completely still, so even if it's warm you still have to watch your lettuce doesn't blow away, and then you've got flies buzzing around, shitting on everything in sight. I mean what is the point? That is if you have lettuce of course, which most people don't. No, barbecued food generally means crappy white bread rolls with a ridiculously burnt (or possibly scarily undercooked) sausage or burger on a paper plate. Well whoop-de-fucking-do, why didn't you say so.... how could I resist. I was going to have a Marks and Spencer's Woodhouse Chicken with brown mushrooms and spinach, but no, fuck that shit, I'll come round and eat blackened beef in a shitty white roll.
A few years ago our neighbours had their first barbecue and they actually invited us round. I guess we could have made the effort, but the thing is, that would have meant that every time they had a barbecue they would have felt obligated to invite us around again, which wouldn't be such a problem if they didn't have children. Not just children but one child who is surely destined for Olympic standard shouting and bossiness one day, and one child who cries every fucking day for no apparent reason.
The problem is, there's only so much shouting and screaming and running about one can take before one is tempted to leave one's leg out in the hope that a small child trips over it. And that won't endear me to anyone, so instead I steer well clear.
And if that means sitting indoors with my windows closed and a fan on then so be it...
Oh yeah, and barbecue sauce, who the fuck invented that, it's vile!