Who knew there were that many Christmas films! Channel 5 is showing at least three a day, five some days, one after another! Still I guess it gives Steven Seagal a couple of weeks off. Elsewhere, on Freeview, we have the usual shit. Six hours of back to back episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter...
But we've been through that before.
What annoys me, is that in general, no matter how good a TV show is, the Christmas Special is always a bit shit. And yet, year after year after year we are served up those very Christmas Specials as a reminder of how good those old shows used to be. Do you see the problem here?
And why is it that the 1970s is the 'Christmas' decade?
Furthermore, channels like 4 Music are sinking under the weight of three hour special-a-thons where a celebrity chooses their fave Christmas choons. I swear to God that Carol (Rear of the year) Vorderman was doing one yesterday... presumably on the strength of the fact that her name is Carol (geddit!). Fucks sake.
It's not like there's a bottomless pit of Christmas songs to choose from is it? You can guarantee to hear Mistletoe and Wine and Slade at least every 90 minutes.
I wouldn't mind but since I've got a cold I wouldn't mind watching TV this Christmas, but fuck that. yesterday I watched the entire third series of Black Books instead.
Monday, 24 December 2012
Sunday, 4 November 2012
It's only a fucking kettle...
Our kettle is disintegrating, rapidly. Part of the handle fell off yesterday. Well I say it fell off, I actually broke it off in the process of trying to see if it was mendable. It wasn't. Well, perhaps it was, but it was fucked in other ways too. Trouble is, we've bought 4 kettles in the last week and they've all been shit!
Kettle number one, a silver Breville from Argos. I don't know how but the plastic was moulded in such a way that it looked like it had cracks all over it, it didn't it just looked like it was cracked. I don't know if it worked or not because I never tried to use it. When I took it back the woman in Argos got another three kettles out and they were all the same. Shoddy quality control from Breville, frankly if you let them go out looking like that what else could be wrong with them?
Next, a funky looking white and grey Philips kettle which worked fine (albeit a little bit wobbly on it's base) but made the water taste of plastic. I boiled it and boiled it and boiled it, I even tried descaling it, but no, the water still tasted of plastic. So I took that one back too.
Next a black own brand kettle from Sainsbury's, which upon opening I realised was the exact same one that we have at work. The one at work only lasted a few days before the lid stopped opening, and guess what, the lid on this one wouldn't even open straight out of the box. For fucks sake, this was getting beyond a joke.
So now we have a Russell Hobbs brushed silver one, which seems to be okay.... it's a fucking miracle!
In this day and age should it really be necessary to buy four kettles to get one that actually works and doesn't make the water taste disgusting, I mean a kettle is a pretty simple concept. It's a jug that heats water, that's all it has to do to function, and yet it seems so difficult to achieve.
Still I guess at least we should be grateful that there's no iKettle yet, a device which boils water, while simultaneously allowing you to update your status on CuntBook to 'boiling water on my iKettle'. Still it's probably only a matter of time. Apple seem intent on centring people's whole lives around their bloody phones (or personal devices as they will inevitably become known) so an attachment for boiling water seems a fairly rudimentary step.
Was anyone else surprised that an app for accessing your bank account failed spectacularly at launch? Some things shouldn't be too simple, especially accessing your fucking bank account, don't these people realise that there are bad people out there who will misuse new technology, I sometimes wonder...
Kettle number one, a silver Breville from Argos. I don't know how but the plastic was moulded in such a way that it looked like it had cracks all over it, it didn't it just looked like it was cracked. I don't know if it worked or not because I never tried to use it. When I took it back the woman in Argos got another three kettles out and they were all the same. Shoddy quality control from Breville, frankly if you let them go out looking like that what else could be wrong with them?
Next, a funky looking white and grey Philips kettle which worked fine (albeit a little bit wobbly on it's base) but made the water taste of plastic. I boiled it and boiled it and boiled it, I even tried descaling it, but no, the water still tasted of plastic. So I took that one back too.
Next a black own brand kettle from Sainsbury's, which upon opening I realised was the exact same one that we have at work. The one at work only lasted a few days before the lid stopped opening, and guess what, the lid on this one wouldn't even open straight out of the box. For fucks sake, this was getting beyond a joke.
So now we have a Russell Hobbs brushed silver one, which seems to be okay.... it's a fucking miracle!
In this day and age should it really be necessary to buy four kettles to get one that actually works and doesn't make the water taste disgusting, I mean a kettle is a pretty simple concept. It's a jug that heats water, that's all it has to do to function, and yet it seems so difficult to achieve.
Still I guess at least we should be grateful that there's no iKettle yet, a device which boils water, while simultaneously allowing you to update your status on CuntBook to 'boiling water on my iKettle'. Still it's probably only a matter of time. Apple seem intent on centring people's whole lives around their bloody phones (or personal devices as they will inevitably become known) so an attachment for boiling water seems a fairly rudimentary step.
Was anyone else surprised that an app for accessing your bank account failed spectacularly at launch? Some things shouldn't be too simple, especially accessing your fucking bank account, don't these people realise that there are bad people out there who will misuse new technology, I sometimes wonder...
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Some choice...
Ah, multichannel TV, what a wonderful thing.... well, sometimes, yes it is. But this afternoon I was looking to watch something for a few minutes while I gathered the energy to go clean the bathroom and what a sorry pile of shit I found. Well, that's to be expected after all it is freeview!
Okay, but that's really not what annoys me, it's the laziness of the scheduling. What do we have on Pick TV today? Ten one hour episodes of 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' back to back. Okay so what about Viva? Ten episodes of 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' back to back. What about Dave? Ten episodes of 'Red Dwarf' back to back.
It's not that I have anything particular against any of these shows, but even if they were my favourite shows I wouldn't want to watch it all fucking day, and in the case of 'Prince of Bel-Air' they've been showing this thing for months now, how many episodes are there for fucks sake? Not enough to warrant the amount of rotation they're getting that's for sure.
And another thing, when REALLY launched it showed promise, giving us two series of the excellent Tool Academy US and Tough Love, but now... it's wall to wall Medical Emergency over and over and over and over and over... interspersed with Emergency Room and some other medical shit. Who watches that stuff anyway?
Okay, but that's really not what annoys me, it's the laziness of the scheduling. What do we have on Pick TV today? Ten one hour episodes of 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' back to back. Okay so what about Viva? Ten episodes of 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' back to back. What about Dave? Ten episodes of 'Red Dwarf' back to back.
It's not that I have anything particular against any of these shows, but even if they were my favourite shows I wouldn't want to watch it all fucking day, and in the case of 'Prince of Bel-Air' they've been showing this thing for months now, how many episodes are there for fucks sake? Not enough to warrant the amount of rotation they're getting that's for sure.
And another thing, when REALLY launched it showed promise, giving us two series of the excellent Tool Academy US and Tough Love, but now... it's wall to wall Medical Emergency over and over and over and over and over... interspersed with Emergency Room and some other medical shit. Who watches that stuff anyway?
Noisy pub wankers...
There's a pub near here that we really like, it's a ten minute drive but since I don't drink anyway that's not an issue for us. However, recently there's been a problem. This woman has started going there and sitting near our favourite table (the bitch!). Trouble is she seems to be in constant hysterics and she laughs at 150db. And it's really fucking annoying.
Last week we sat around the corner in a little room off the main pub, but it's a bit cold in there and you feel a bit out of the buzz (and one of the lights is a bit dodgy and keeps turning itself on and off), besides you could still hear her yacking away like a fucking.... like a fucking.... well I don't know what really.
How satisfying would it be to just slap her round the face and tell her to shut the fuck up? Oh that would be my idea of paradise, a world where people who are that fucking annoying could just be 'dealt with'. I'm not talking permanent injury or death (though shooting her in the face would be fun...) just you know, a short sharp shock to make them realise what cunts they are. One can dream..
Last week we sat around the corner in a little room off the main pub, but it's a bit cold in there and you feel a bit out of the buzz (and one of the lights is a bit dodgy and keeps turning itself on and off), besides you could still hear her yacking away like a fucking.... like a fucking.... well I don't know what really.
How satisfying would it be to just slap her round the face and tell her to shut the fuck up? Oh that would be my idea of paradise, a world where people who are that fucking annoying could just be 'dealt with'. I'm not talking permanent injury or death (though shooting her in the face would be fun...) just you know, a short sharp shock to make them realise what cunts they are. One can dream..
Saturday, 15 September 2012
I helsike du ikea
In their infinite fucking wisdom, furniture giant Ikea have decided to drop all the Swedish food from their Swedish shop and replace it with sub standard (and non-Swedish in some cases) crap instead, under their own label. Truth be told this doesn't bother me for the most part, since a) I hardly ever go to Ikea, and b) most everything in the shop was disgusting anyway.
But... and it is a significant but, the one thing that made a trip to Ikea worthwhile was the chance to purchase the awesome and otherwise very difficult to get hold of Maribou range of chocolate. So when I rocked up at my local store and found that the Maribou range had been replaced I was not best pleased at all. Instead I found some very uninteresting looking bars of 'Ikea' chocolate which the staff insisted tasted 'just the same' as the Maribou stuff.
Now call me a sceptical old bastard, but this own brand shit was half the price of the Maribou range, moreover the packaging was massively shit, and common sense tells me that quality chocolate does not come in shit looking packaging. Think Lindt, think Hotel Chocolat.... and then look at this.
But... and it is a significant but, the one thing that made a trip to Ikea worthwhile was the chance to purchase the awesome and otherwise very difficult to get hold of Maribou range of chocolate. So when I rocked up at my local store and found that the Maribou range had been replaced I was not best pleased at all. Instead I found some very uninteresting looking bars of 'Ikea' chocolate which the staff insisted tasted 'just the same' as the Maribou stuff.
Now call me a sceptical old bastard, but this own brand shit was half the price of the Maribou range, moreover the packaging was massively shit, and common sense tells me that quality chocolate does not come in shit looking packaging. Think Lindt, think Hotel Chocolat.... and then look at this.
I bet your mouth is watering already huh. I mean who the fuck thought that was good packaging? Supermarkets have better packaging than that on their own brands... still I would be kicking myself if I didn't try it wouldn't I? If it turned out to really taste 'just like the Maribou stuff'.
Well I did, and guess what.... it tastes fuck all like the Maribou stuff, absolutely fuck all. The staff are lying bastards who should all die in hell for their complete bullshittery, though I suspect they may have been instructed to lie by their evil corporate-cocksucking paymasters.
It tastes fucking horrible as a matter of fact, it's bitter and I only ate a couple of squares (believe me, chocolate has to suck for me to spurn it!), it tastes exactly what it is, cheap rubbish.
So disappointing, not least because Maribou seems only to be available through the internet at a vastly inflated price. Well thanks Ikea, thank you for jack shit.
Not only that, but Mistress R bought some of the 'Ikea' replacement brand chocolate marshmallow thingys and she ate one and chucked the rest in the bin. Well I can only hope that people all over the country are doing exactly the same and soon Ikea, you profit-mongering fuckwads, will realise the error of your ways!
Saturday, 4 August 2012
BBQ Wankers...
Every year it's the same, the first hint of sunshine and people feel compelled to burn their food in the garden. Why? I just don't get it. And worse still, if you tell people you don't get it, they look at you like you're fucking mental.
"You don't like barbecues?"
No I fucking don't.
It's simple really, I don't like being in the sun and being in the sun kind of goes hand in hand with burning sausages in your back garden.
But everyone likes the sun, surely?
No, they don't.
It's not that I'm worried I'll contract melanoma if I stand in the sun eating a charcoal flavoured sausage, though that isn't a bad reason to stay out of it. I just don't like the sun, it makes me feel a bit sick if I'm out in it for too long.
It's fucking antisocial as well, not only does it stink, and mean that when you really want your windows open you have to shut them because the arsehole next door is burning his dinner and the smoke always blows this fucking way, but of course for some reason cooking outside means you have to invite all your friends round so that if one of you succumbs to food poisoning you can all go to hospital together.
Oh and while you're at it bring your kids too...
Another reason as if one were needed for keeping the windows closed, all that fucking screeching and shouting. And that's just her next door bellowing at the kids to get off of this or that, stay out of the chicken coop (don't even get me started on the fucking chicken coop) or just general shouting for the sake of it.
So what's so great about barbecues (I refuse to call them BBQ's) anyway?
You have an oven in your kitchen which seems to cook food perfectly well the rest of the year and yet for some reason come the summer it's 'necessary' to cook on an open fire. Some people even have gas barbecues..... words fail me. That's just an oven - outside. Cook inside then bring it outside to eat (if you must), what the fuck? Why is it necessary to cook it outside?
Why is it necessary to eat outside either?
Very rarely is it hot and completely still, so even if it's warm you still have to watch your lettuce doesn't blow away, and then you've got flies buzzing around, shitting on everything in sight. I mean what is the point? That is if you have lettuce of course, which most people don't. No, barbecued food generally means crappy white bread rolls with a ridiculously burnt (or possibly scarily undercooked) sausage or burger on a paper plate. Well whoop-de-fucking-do, why didn't you say so.... how could I resist. I was going to have a Marks and Spencer's Woodhouse Chicken with brown mushrooms and spinach, but no, fuck that shit, I'll come round and eat blackened beef in a shitty white roll.
A few years ago our neighbours had their first barbecue and they actually invited us round. I guess we could have made the effort, but the thing is, that would have meant that every time they had a barbecue they would have felt obligated to invite us around again, which wouldn't be such a problem if they didn't have children. Not just children but one child who is surely destined for Olympic standard shouting and bossiness one day, and one child who cries every fucking day for no apparent reason.
The problem is, there's only so much shouting and screaming and running about one can take before one is tempted to leave one's leg out in the hope that a small child trips over it. And that won't endear me to anyone, so instead I steer well clear.
And if that means sitting indoors with my windows closed and a fan on then so be it...
Oh yeah, and barbecue sauce, who the fuck invented that, it's vile!
"You don't like barbecues?"
No I fucking don't.
It's simple really, I don't like being in the sun and being in the sun kind of goes hand in hand with burning sausages in your back garden.
But everyone likes the sun, surely?
No, they don't.
It's not that I'm worried I'll contract melanoma if I stand in the sun eating a charcoal flavoured sausage, though that isn't a bad reason to stay out of it. I just don't like the sun, it makes me feel a bit sick if I'm out in it for too long.
It's fucking antisocial as well, not only does it stink, and mean that when you really want your windows open you have to shut them because the arsehole next door is burning his dinner and the smoke always blows this fucking way, but of course for some reason cooking outside means you have to invite all your friends round so that if one of you succumbs to food poisoning you can all go to hospital together.
Oh and while you're at it bring your kids too...
Another reason as if one were needed for keeping the windows closed, all that fucking screeching and shouting. And that's just her next door bellowing at the kids to get off of this or that, stay out of the chicken coop (don't even get me started on the fucking chicken coop) or just general shouting for the sake of it.
So what's so great about barbecues (I refuse to call them BBQ's) anyway?
You have an oven in your kitchen which seems to cook food perfectly well the rest of the year and yet for some reason come the summer it's 'necessary' to cook on an open fire. Some people even have gas barbecues..... words fail me. That's just an oven - outside. Cook inside then bring it outside to eat (if you must), what the fuck? Why is it necessary to cook it outside?
Why is it necessary to eat outside either?
Very rarely is it hot and completely still, so even if it's warm you still have to watch your lettuce doesn't blow away, and then you've got flies buzzing around, shitting on everything in sight. I mean what is the point? That is if you have lettuce of course, which most people don't. No, barbecued food generally means crappy white bread rolls with a ridiculously burnt (or possibly scarily undercooked) sausage or burger on a paper plate. Well whoop-de-fucking-do, why didn't you say so.... how could I resist. I was going to have a Marks and Spencer's Woodhouse Chicken with brown mushrooms and spinach, but no, fuck that shit, I'll come round and eat blackened beef in a shitty white roll.
A few years ago our neighbours had their first barbecue and they actually invited us round. I guess we could have made the effort, but the thing is, that would have meant that every time they had a barbecue they would have felt obligated to invite us around again, which wouldn't be such a problem if they didn't have children. Not just children but one child who is surely destined for Olympic standard shouting and bossiness one day, and one child who cries every fucking day for no apparent reason.
The problem is, there's only so much shouting and screaming and running about one can take before one is tempted to leave one's leg out in the hope that a small child trips over it. And that won't endear me to anyone, so instead I steer well clear.
And if that means sitting indoors with my windows closed and a fan on then so be it...
Oh yeah, and barbecue sauce, who the fuck invented that, it's vile!
Friday, 3 August 2012
Commentate properly or STFU!
Olympic fever is well and truly here.... every TV ad is somehow connected to the olympic circus, the official washing powder of London 2012! The offical car wax of London 2012! The official female hygiene product of London 2012... etc etc. It's very wearing, in fact if you want your advert to stand out the last thing you want is anything to do with the olympics.
I have hardly seen any of it to be honest, but I've heard plenty on the radio at work and Jesus Christ the commentators get on my fucking nerves. Especially that arsehole that was commentating on the cycling the other day when Bradley Wiggins was competing.
"And it's Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah blah, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggin's voracious appetite for medals, Blah blah Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradlyWigginsBradlyWigginsBradleyWiggins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Now, forgive me but that isn't commentating, that's just repeating the guy's name over and over and over again, fuck me, I could have done that! How much is this tit getting paid exactly?
I have hardly seen any of it to be honest, but I've heard plenty on the radio at work and Jesus Christ the commentators get on my fucking nerves. Especially that arsehole that was commentating on the cycling the other day when Bradley Wiggins was competing.
"And it's Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah blah, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggin's voracious appetite for medals, Blah blah Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins blah blah, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins, Bradley Wiggins Bradley Wiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradleyWiggins BradlyWigginsBradlyWigginsBradleyWiggins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Now, forgive me but that isn't commentating, that's just repeating the guy's name over and over and over again, fuck me, I could have done that! How much is this tit getting paid exactly?
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